mycrookedtoes

Mounting Evidence

2011-05-29T19:15:00.000-07:00

Reasons my sister should move to our hometown...

Exhibit A: Job opportunities.

Exhibit B: Inspite of the wild animals....

the scenery is breathtaking.

Exhibit C: No one can resist the scrunchy face.

I rest my case.

Fairies are being born...

2011-03-23T18:01:00.000-07:00

The sound is bad but the cuteness makes up for it. Also at :12 her hand freaks her out for a second.

Hau`oli Lā Hānau

2011-03-23T17:51:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Christy!

Ummm...eww

2011-03-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

If you have never opened up the drain of your dishwasher to clean, you must do it. It is life changing. Remember I have two small children. I clean up boogers and poop all day. I catch vomit in my hands regularly. The stuff inside the drain of my dishwasher was by far the the grossest thing I've ever seen or touched.

http://www.wikihow.com/Clean-and-Maintain-a-Dishwasher
I have a newer dishwasher so I didn't have to unscrew anything. The plastic pieces just popped apart.

Ugh the things I saw cannot be unseen.

Poseidon and Medusa

2011-02-25T18:02:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite kid in the whole world.

This is my other favorite kid in the whole world.

She was doing this weird thing that looked like possible seizure activity that warranted an EEG. The EEG was normal and the pediatricians think she was just doing a weird normal baby thing. ...mustard seeds and mountains...Hallelujah!

Bonus pic of Jonathan. He wanted to see what he looked like with my hair.

Bonus happy baby pic.

Balentine's Day

2011-02-15T10:34:00.000-08:00

Blessed

2010-12-03T10:28:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted any updates in a while because life is busy with two kids. So here is the quick and dirty version. We spent 40 days (a biblical time of trial followed by blessing) in the NICU. Keatley now has two "normal" lungs. I was able to see her chest x-ray yesterday and her lungs look the same. The doctors were right ;) , you can't tell which side the hernia was on. She is growing normally and is developmentally on target.

Jonathan is doing well too. What a trouper to have been displaced for 2 months. He rebounded quickly and is settling well.

He loves Keatley to death...almost literally.

I try to spend my days focusing on my blessings. It is so easy to get sucked into this world, our culture, and the depravity that we live amongst.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Phillipians 4: 4-9

Hallelujah!

2010-11-17T14:44:00.000-08:00

I can't look at this face without praising the Lord.

Big Debut

2010-08-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

Keatley getting a sponge bath

Keatley's clean fuzzy curls

I like this one because she is smiling.

Keatley hangin' out.

She is always so content when she is awake.

I hope that is just her temperament and not the methadone. :)

Day 22

2010-08-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

I wanted to publish a post with all of the details about Keatley's journey. I started to write one, but it was just too much information and too overwhelming.

In the NICU, everyone is always talking about the roller coaster of good days and bad days. We have definitely experienced that. In Keatley's first 24 hours she went from doing surprisingly well to "coding" and being put on ECMO. She finally stabilized and then her heart wasn't functioning properly. The next morning her heart was totally normal. This was just within her first three days.

It has been three weeks now and there have been numerous ups and downs. If there is an organ to be examined and concerned about, Keatley has been through it. Some of the things we have been through have been concerning and others have been horrific. There have been a few moments when we thought we were going to lose our little girl. There have also been times when she has amazed everyone. A few days ago the respiratory therapist came to re-tape the ventilator tubes to her mouth and Keatley moved and pushed the tubes out. She literally extubated herself, she did so well without the ventilator, they progressed her to a cpap machine. The doctors hadn't planned to extubate her for three more days.

She is doing great now. She is on pressurized oxygen to keep her airway open (which they are slowly weaning.) She is on two sedatives and a PRN blood pressure medication (which they are slowly weaning.) She is taking breast milk through a feeding tube. She gets about 2 teaspoons every 3 hours (which they are slowly increasing.)

I am a different person than I was 3 weeks ago. God has revealed Himself to me in a way that I cannot fully explain. His body has loved and supported us. The medical technology and brilliance of the doctors that He orchestrates is astounding. The strength He has instilled in this little girl...amazing. He has moved mountains when we have called upon His name. His goodness and mercy are overwhelming. His miracles are tangible. We are so humbled and thankful to be on this journey.

We are not off of the roller coaster yet. Please continue to seek Him on our behalf.

I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Post Surgery

2010-08-08T14:01:00.001-07:00

Keatley's surgery went very well. The surgeon said that she had very little bleeding. He used a patch to repair her hernia, which he said is routine for large hernias. Her medical team has decided to make no more changes for today so her body can rest. Tomorrow they will begin to wean her from the ECMO. This will take a few days. Please pray that this goes smoothly. The longer she is on ECMO the greater the risk for blood clots and bleeding in her brain.
Jonathan seems to be doing a little better, he is a little more settled. My sister, brother-in-law, and mom have been spending a lot of time with him and I think he has seen almost all of Nashville. He also loves the playground and playroom at "Old MacDonald's House."
We are so thankful for the Lord's goodness and mercy. We are honored and humbled to be walking this path because we have seen His overwhelming goodness in His mercy for our daughter, as well as seeing His body work so well. We have been amazed by the number of people that have been going to the Lord on our behalf. We have not for a moment felt alone through this struggle. Thank you all so much for your love and encouragement. I know that He is pleased with the way His people have loved us.

On a lighter note: Yesterday one of the neonatologist mentioned to us that Keatley's gag reflex was not working. She was not overly concerned because of the amount of sedation that she was on, but it was something to note. Last night, one of the nurses was cleaning Keatley's mouth and putting some "chapstick" on her lips which was mint flavored. Kealtey started suckling her vent tube and then licked her lip to taste the chapstick. Obviously, she does have a gag reflex. The medical team was amused by our little diva that is already into lip gloss.

She is here!

2010-08-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

Keatley arrived August 3, 2010 at 10:32am (central time.) She weighed 7lbs 12oz and measured 20 inches long. She did really well most of the day but started going downhill quickly during the night. Wednesday, early afternoon, she was put on ECMO. ECMO is a heart/lung bypass machine that is being used to help her lungs and heart rest. She has been stable since she was put on the ECMO. The doctors are tentatively planning on doing her surgery within the next few days.

Jay and I are definitely experiencing a roller coaster of emotions. This is not easy but we are praising the Lord because we know that we are walking through His plan. Please continue to pray for Keatley's healing, Jonathan's peace and that he would feel settled and secure, and peace and strength for Jay and me.

Thank you so much for your concern, encouragements, and prayers.

BTW- she is beautiful!

'nother update

2010-07-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

I was discharged from the hospital this evening with orders to stay in Nashville, in case I go into labor again. The c-section is still scheduled for the 3rd.

We had another conversation with a specialist today. He gave us even more detailed information than we had before and even more statistics. He said treatment is pretty standard for babies with a diaphragmatic hernia and her survival is really dependent on her anatomy (which they cannot successfully predict in utero.)

We are weary. It is so draining to talk about the possibility of losing your baby. We trust God's will and are hopeful that our desires match His plan. This has been a hard day. I just want my baby to be ok.

Rolling with the punches

2010-07-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

I am still stable and Keatley is still looking good too. This Thursday, my OB along with the pediatric surgeon, and neonatologist will be having a treatment team about Keatley and me. They are looking at the possibility of releasing me from the hospital if I can stay in Nashville and pushing back my c-section to the 1oth.

We have an excellent team of doctors and we plan to make work whatever they decide is best. This will (again) change everything logistically regarding money and places to stay. Jay would also be missing even more work before her birth, leaving less time to be here during her recovery. We are trusting the Lord to take care of the big stuff and the little stuff too. This is hard but we know that He is not surprised by any of this.

Thankful

2010-07-26T18:10:00.000-07:00

I wanted to let you all know that Jay and I are so thankful for everyone's calls, emails, posts, monetary gifts, and gifts of service. We have been overwhelmed by the love of the Lord through the Body of Christ. I'm not responding to all of the messages now, mostly because I have an IV in my hand which makes it difficult to type, but know how thankful and appreciative we are, truly.

Vandy

2010-07-26T11:41:00.000-07:00

We are already in Nashville. I started having contractions Thursday night and they continued through Friday morning. I spent Friday night at UT trying to stop the contractions. They continued through that night so they sent me to Vanderbilt Saturday. My contractions have finally stopped but we are staying here until Keatley is born to avoid complications. The plan is to keep her original due date as August 3, 2010 but she will be born sooner than that if I go into labor. There is an increased risk if she is born before 37 weeks which will be this Thursday. Right now we are stable and I am hoping it stays that way.

I will post updates when I can. Continue to pray...this sucks.

update...

2010-07-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

We went to Vanderbilt today to meet with the neonatologist. It was emotionally exhausting. Forgive me if this doesn't make much sense. The neonatologist said that we would know within a couple of weeks of delivery if Keatley will survive. There is a 50/50 chance of her needing ECMO (bypass machine.) Recovery will be a minimum of 8 to 12 weeks. She will have developmental delays but at some point down the road be able to catch up with the help of various types of therapy.

It's hard to have no control. The only thing I can do is take my vitamins and be in Nashville when she is born. I don't want my 3-year-old to have to be displaced for months. I don't want him to have to be away from my husband and me more than usual.

I don't want my baby to be sick. I want her to come home. Today I am broken.

FYI c-section is August 3rd between 7:30 and 9:30 central time

Update

2010-06-09T17:45:00.000-07:00

OK, so the baby definitely has a diaphragmatic hernia. We are going to Vanderbilt later this month to meet doctors. We still need prayers.

This is one roller coaster I wish I could get off of but I know that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose.

Liver and Manna

2010-05-04T15:08:00.001-07:00

Today I found out that I failed my blood glucose test (for gestational diabetes.) I go back tomorrow for a more in depth test. This in not a huge deal, just a pain. I've bigger fish to fry than diabetes, but any prayer sent up about that would be appreciated.

We also saw the high-risk OB today. Keatley is growing well, she is in the 56th percentile and all of her measurements look good. Her heart is still pushed to the side but looks to be developed appropriately and functioning properly. The doctor said he could see liver below the diaphragm and what looks like liver in her chest cavity as well. The blood flow to the "mass" in her chest looks like liver and he said that his best guess is a diaphragmatic hernia, which is what he thought before. He said he would be able to give us a definite diagnosis after the MRI on May 21st (it'll be a few days after that when we get the results.) Everything else seemed to be in the right place and he was able to see lung tissue which I was thrilled about because lung development is a big deal in babies with diaphragmatic hernias. Please pray with us that God will heal her body and that her lungs would develop well.

As a side note, my husband and I were going to be (more than) strapped for cash until his next paycheck. We received a surprise rebate check in the mail today from our 2007 taxes. Not a lot of money but the perfect amount to get us through until the next paycheck. Manna from heaven. This may not amaze some people but I know that this truly is manna from Jehovah-Jirah. I am amazed by Him. He is so good.

Liver and Manna... Is that an inappropriate joke? I just keep imagining Hannibal Lector and thinking of fava beans, yuck.

Keatley Hope

2010-04-09T07:29:00.000-07:00

Last week my husband and I went for our 20 week ultrasound. We learned that we were having a girl, Keatley Hope, but we also learned that she had complications. The ultrasound technician could not see Keatley's heart clearly and my OB immediately sent us to a high-risk OB. The ultrasound technician and two specialists as well as a genetic counselor concluded that Keatley's heart was being pushed very far to her left side by her liver. They said that this was caused by either a herniated diaphragm or a chromosomal disorder. A herniated diaphragm means that she will be born at Vanderbilt and have surgery with an 80% chance of survival. A chromosomal disorder would be fatal. They did an amniocentesis and we waited 8 days to get the results.

We spent this week in prayer, constantly seeking the Lord. We have been surrounded by family and friends that have gone before the throne on our behalf. We are blessed beyond measure to be in a community of saints.

This morning the genetic counselor called and said that our baby girl does not have a chromosomal disorder. We are so thankful that the Lord's plan for Keatley is life. Please pray with us that He will begin to heal her while she is still being knit in my womb. We have peace that our little girl is going to be ok. We do not serve an 80% God. He is mighty.

Expect updates on Keatley Hope's progress.

"For you created Keatley's inmost being; you knit her together in her mother's womb. We praise you because she is fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Keatley's frame was not hidden from you when she was made in the secret place. When she was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw her unformed body. All the days ordained for Keatley were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139: 13-16

Hakuna Matata

2010-02-09T19:53:00.000-08:00

So I've been super whiney and I'm trying to be more positive, so here are a few Yays.

I knew my husband was amazing but words cannot describe how wonderful he has been while I've been sick. He has been cleaning, taking care of our son, cooking, bringing me water and wet wash cloths while I puke, and running around like a crazy person to get me crackers, gatorade, popsicles, or whatever else strikes my fancy. (all with a sympathetic smile on his face)

My in-laws have been staying at my house on the days that my husband works to help take care of my son. That's right ladies, I am SO thankful for my mother-in-law. Let me write that again people, thankful for my mother-in-law.

So far my tachycardia is under control and I am not having any problems.

Boo #2 is healthy.

Boo #1 is doing really well adjusting to mommy being in bed all day. And he is no longer in the 5th-10th percentile for growth. He is now in the 20th! Yay!

I had a good evening tonight, maybe this is the beginning of the end.

Day 76

2010-01-27T11:33:00.000-08:00

Finally beginning to have more good days. This is the beginning of the end. Please, forgive my whining.

Day 70

2010-01-21T17:32:00.001-08:00

Will it ever end...

Day 66

2010-01-17T13:15:00.000-08:00

I didn't make it through Day 65 without throwing up. Today has been a little better. Still nauseated. It helps to look up pictures on the internet of in utero babies that are the same age as my "nub". It reminds me why I decided to do this again...however, the sickness reminds me of why this will be the last time!

Day 65

2010-01-16T16:21:00.000-08:00

Today has been a bad day. The nausea just keeps getting worse, it is starting to wear me down. It's like there is something in my body that is sucking the life out of me, imagine that. I know it will get better. The waiting is hard, I'm just in survival mode now.

My family and my in-laws stay with us on the days that my husband works because I can't cook for my son or change diapers. I rarely play with him and it is so hard.

I'm clinging to what I know is true: I know that all of this is worth it for the miracle that is to come.

Sticks and Stones...hmph!

2010-01-10T15:12:00.000-08:00

Why do we remember the mean things people said when we were in school and why does it still hurt our feelings?

Mental Notes for Christmas Decorating

2009-12-03T11:47:00.000-08:00

don't put batteries in all of the animated christmas toys...too much noise

don't reveal to 2-year-old that candy canes are candy until it's time to take the tree down

don't reveal to 2-year-old that the foot pedal on the cord coming from the tree turns the lights on and off

stuffed Mr. Hankey Poo figure is a valid potty training tool *

*Yes, I know South Park is evil, I haven't watched it in years. My son is excited about Xmas now that we have the decorations out. If poo with a xmas hat is going to make him excited about learning to use to potty, so be it.

Actually, it is pretty easy...

2009-12-02T17:21:00.000-08:00

So I've decided to go green...not that I wasn't greenish before... I guess technically, I'm going greener.

Anyway, a friend introduced to me a great line of environmentally friendly products, which are safer for the earth and my family. So, I'm getting rid of all of these cleaners seen below. I have inherited or been given an ungodly amount of cleaning products so there is plenty to go around. Some of the bottles have never been used. This deep cabinet is full, all the way back!

I'm also getting rid of these baby products, same reason as above.

If you're a local reader and are interested in getting any of this FREE stuff, email me (yourpalheather@yahoo.com) or call me.

BTW, so far I've been thrilled with the new products I've been using. If you want to hear more about them you can contact me about that too. I'm not selling them but I have a friend who is.

Party on!

2009-11-12T15:17:00.000-08:00

Today is the anniversary of my dad's death...and I'm fine, better than fine...actually full of joy! Why are you such a flower of joy, one might ask. Well, because God is sovereign, that's why. God didn't just know the day of my dad's death, he orchestrated it. And there is one thing I know for sure... He is good. My dad's death glorifies God, just like everything else in the world. So I am rejoicing today, in that the Lord used my dad's death for His glory.
Take note, this is not me saying what one is suppose to say. This is genuinely how I feel. Today I celebrate!

To Do

2009-11-08T16:49:00.000-08:00

1. Focus on God by
a. Reading the Bible more and praying more
b. Stop obsessively checking email and facebook
c. Avoid websites that were created for gossip and making fun of people
d. Watch less TV

2. Be a better wife by
a. See 1a-d
b. Reduce sarcasm, no matter how hilarious I actually am
c. Don't be clingy when Mr. Crookedtoes needs alone-time or guy-time

3. Be a better Momma by
a. See 1a-d
b. Limit TV time for my son
c. Read more (bible and fiction)
d. Increase educational and crafty activities
e. Say "no" in the toy aisle

4. Be healthier
a. move more
b. eat less (God help me)

5. Blog more (This whole Dear Diary thing is good for me)

6. Print To Do list and post on fridge

Groove is in the Heart

2009-10-28T17:28:00.000-07:00

I went to my cardiologist today to find out the results of my echocardiogram. My pulse was at 122 when I got there and I told the nurse I was anxious. When the Doc came in, he asked what was going on. I told him I was scared, he was compassionate and then I cried like a crazy person. Long story short, my heart is healthy and normal. There is no need for me to take meds unless my pulse stays high all the time when I get pregnant. Good news.
This ordeal has been emotionally draining but I have had some significant spiritual growth during this time.

Comic Relief

2009-10-28T17:22:00.000-07:00

There is a certain level of sophistication that one has to have to be able to pull off a...

chocolate goatee

and a bubble beard.

I like it up here.

2009-10-21T11:51:00.000-07:00

I had my echo cardiogram today. The technician said that he didn't see any aliens or problems but, "the doctor would be able to read the results better." I'm taking that to mean that everything looks normal, but he had to put in the disclaimer to cover his butt. On the way there I prayed to be *"seated in the heavenlies", which I am, and to be filled with His peace. I was very relaxed and making jokes with the ultrasound technician. We even had a short exchange about how amazing the heart is and that there is definitely a God.

Outcome: Yay God! It was a good day.

I have a follow up with the doc on Wednesday.

BTW, I think that it is amazing that everyone was given fingers with perfect proportions to their nostrils and ear holes. Think about it, everyone's fingers will fit into their own nostrils and ears. Other people's nostrils and ears may be too big or too small for your fingers, but your own are just right. Yep, intelligent design.

*Eph 2:6

Just between you and me...

2009-10-19T14:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Internet,

This week I go for an ultrasound on my heart to be sure there is no damage. I'm a little scared. It is uncommon for IST to cause heart damage but possible, the ultrasound is really just a precautionary thing, but still a little scary. The less I think about it, the better I feel. It's not like there is anything I could do about it if there was damage, plus "who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life" (matt 6:27)

I've had a good week, but today I'm feeling a little melancholy.

Sugar High

2009-10-11T13:15:00.000-07:00

Making Daddy's famous candy bar cake with my kid.

There really is no better way to celebrate my dad's birthday.

A Broken Heart

2009-10-11T08:22:00.000-07:00

There is a lot of unpleasantness surrounding today.

Today is my dad's birthday, he passed away almost 2 years ago, I still miss him terribly. He was a wonderful father and great friend.

My son is sick. This is the second night in a row that he was up most of the night.

Yesterday I found out that I have Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia, which means that I have an abnormally high heart rate with no explanation. The good news is that it won't kill me or shorten my life span and it is unlikely that I have heart damage. The bad news is that it makes me anxious and there is a small possibility of heart damage...which makes me anxious.

All things considered I'm in a pretty good mood.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present you requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7

BTW, while I was typing this my son stood up at the end of his VeggieTales dvd, started clapping and said, "Yay, good moobie."

OK, I am going to go figure out how to celebrate my dad today.

but first.... a good morning peek-a-boo

An apple a day does not keep the doctor away.

2009-09-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

I miss my dad. I think I always will, until I see him again in heaven. Grieving is such a difficult thing. Someone told me once that they believed losing someone was so difficult because we were not created to experience death. And if you think back to Genesis, that is absolutely true. Death was a part of the curse.

16 And the LORD God commanded the man, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die."

Genesis 2:16-17

At least heaven is going to rock!

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. ²I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. ³And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Revelation 21:1-4

whoohoo!

Move over Martha!

2009-09-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

Today I finished making a set of sheets for my son's bed. I also went to the grocery store and saved $29.82 with coupons. I'm so domestic. If only I enjoyed cleaning.

It goes great with toe jam!

2009-09-15T19:14:00.000-07:00

Last week we went to the Zoo and went on an Elephant Excursion. We got to go into the elephant enclosure and do lots of fun stuff.

We got to pet the elephants' trunks.
The elephants greeted us by smelling our feet. There was one lady that was wearing sandals that they especially liked. I'm convinced she used peanut butter as a moisturizer.
The elephants threw footballs and kicked soccer balls to us.
One of the elephants picked up a penny with its trunk and gave it to my husband and son. If you look closely you can see that the penny is pinched, not suctioned in the trunk.
They also did some tricks.

Fun was had by all!

Photos courtesy of momma.

Deep Thoughts by Crookedtoes

2009-09-14T18:30:00.000-07:00

This is day 3 on facebook and I'm proud to say that I'm not being petty, envious, or nosey. Score one for me!

I don't have any interesting or quirky stories so today's post will be the thoughts that were in the forefront of my mind today.

1. Mom's bday. Happy Birthday to Momma.

2. Giraffe's aren't very fuzzy. Instead of fur it's more like horse hide. (Saw one up close at the zoo today)

3. Why are non-Christians so hostile when posting about Christianity on the internet?

4. Patrick Swayze died today. TIME OUT (opens iTunes window to listen to NKOTB, Dirty Dancing, it has a Swayze/Baby reference, bobs head)

5. Money sucks. The love of money IS the root of all evil.

6. What's the deal with prayer? (This is one I've been contemplating a lot and I am interested in others' opinions. I'll save the details for another post it would take too long for this one.)

7. I wish the stink in the kitchen could magically disappear.

Help... I can't get up.

2009-09-13T15:23:00.000-07:00

So I think today's topic is Christ. I know, pretty heavy for second day back, huh? Nonetheless, here I am being transparent. I am a Christian. By the world's standard I guess I am a "good Christian." I tithe, go to church, go to other church group thingies during the week, and am a good person (far from perfect but good.)
By biblical standards I suck. Well Paul talked about not doing what he wants to do and hating what he does. So I guess I'm in good company. I pray daily but my soul's desire is to be in constant conversation with God. I lose my patience too quickly. Self-discipline...what a joke, where do I begin? I spend too much money on things and not enough on feeding hungry people or providing for orphans and widows. Blahbedeeblah, I could go on all day about where I'm lacking, but truthfully, what I want..what I need... is simply more time sitting at His feet, looking into His face.
I think we (Christians) will never be "where we want to be" in our relationship with God until we are in heaven. We live in a fallen world and we live in fallen bodies. That won't keep me from pursuing Him though.

Rose colored glasses are transparent, right?

2009-09-12T14:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, so a couple of posts ago I talked about my arch nemesis, facebook. I have stayed away from facebook for a long time. I'm pretty proud of it because you can reactivate your account at anytime. I know this because I did that a couple of times to get an email address and then closed my account again. Anywho, I'm going to reactivate and practice restraint. I am also going to be transparent.
I think facebook is stressful because I write about the good stuff... because I want to look as good as all the other people... who post only the good stuff.
Also, I'm going to start blogging again. Most of the time when I'm not blogging it's because I feel like no one would be interested in my day-to-day going-ons. So if your going to follow my blog be prepared to be bored sometimes....

....and be forced to look at gratuitous pics of my lovey.

Five Magical Years

2009-07-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

Five years ago today I stood in the sanctuary of my church cursing like a sailor because I kept stepping on my wedding dress as I practiced walking down the aisle. Ahhhhh, what a beautiful day.
Anyway, Yay for me and my husband!

How could you not be madly in love with that?

Dear Tree,

2009-05-27T09:54:00.000-07:00

The reason I quit facebook is because of the whole high school friends thing. I had several high school friends and slowly started having high school thoughts.
"Oh my gosh! She is divorced."
"What a joke, THEY married each other."
"I can't believe she posted that picture, what a slut?"
Am I sick or what? Anyway there were a few really good friends from high school that I miss seeing how they are doing but I had to quit for integrity sake. Facebook is evil. If you will see my previous post you will note that I believe 98% of the internet is evil, entertaining, but evil.
Why did you do it AL?! WHY!!!!!?!!!!!!
Respectfully,
Crookedtoes

Why did you invent the internet Al Gore, Why!?!

2009-05-24T21:09:00.000-07:00

The internet is black hole. A vacuum that sucks away time, energy, and all things holy.

For the record...

2009-01-30T05:13:00.000-08:00

...the first time your kid poops in the tub it's pretty funny. The second time, not so much.

Seye-Bo-Willy-Bong

2009-01-23T19:21:00.000-08:00

I thought my mammaw was going to die today. She went by ambulance to the emergency room this morning. Her symptoms were practically identical to those of my dad the morning he had his heart attack and passed away. Long story short, Mammaw is fine, stomach virus or something.
This mornings drama led me to think of my dad a lot today. There were lots of deep breaths and heavy sighs as I thought of him. No tears, mostly warm fuzzies followed by empty aches.

"Yes, Lord."

2009-01-22T08:32:00.000-08:00

I was reading scripture today....OK, some of you are rolling your eyes and about to surf away.... this is important to me so don't surf if you're interested in learning more about the core of who I am.

So, I was reading scripture today, John 21, where Peter is reinstated. If you will remember, earlier Peter denied knowing Christ 3 times, just as Christ prophesied. Well in John 21, Christ appears to his disciples and asks Peter, "Do you love me?" Peter replies, "Yes." Christ asks him 3 times and Peter responds 3 times. I love that Peter had the opportunity to look at Christ and tell Him that he loved Him the same number of times that he had denied him. And I love that Christ sought out Peter to give him this opportunity. God is so good to follow us around and ask, "Do you love me?" Who in this world can say that they know Christ solely on their own acts or merits? None of us. Who in this world is holy and blameless by anything they have done? None of us.

God is so good because every time I start to walk away from Him, He finds me and asks, "Do you love me?"

Blogworthy

2009-01-13T07:13:00.000-08:00

Ok so I've been MIA through the holidays. My sister and brother-in-law stayed with us and it was fabulous. We also have a contract for lease/purchase on our home. This is not as good as selling it but it puts money in our pocket and we will close within a year hopefully, two at the most.
While this all should be blogworthy, it didn't get me running to the computer like this next nugget. My son pooped in the tub. Nothing says motherhood like fishing poo out of the tub. I drained the water, refilled the tub and ....... he pooped again. So this pic is one elmo tub mat, one dinosaur toy, and three tubs of water later.

BAd haiR DaY

2008-12-16T07:17:00.000-08:00

iT all stARTed wheN I wOKe up wiTH A bad hAIR day. EveRYTHing weNt DOwn hilL FRom therE. AlL MY cartoons weRE REruns. Cheerios AGAIN. MommY YELLed at mE FOr waking up nEMo. hOW was I sUPPOse to knOW He doesn't like it whEN You bang on thE TAnk. BY MId-MOrning I wASN't eveN IN the moOD For Elmo. MOMmy INSISTS on cHANGing my diaPER Even thoUGh I proTESt. AnD if that iSn't enoUgh I got IN TRouble for putTTINg my bAll in tHE toil.........uh-oh...MoMmy is coMINg, I gottA go. I'm not sUPpose to be on the comPUTer.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

2008-12-15T10:24:00.000-08:00

So I feel like I'm on the realty roller coaster, clinging to the bar across my lap for dear life. I've never been one to raise my arms and scream on a roller coaster. I'm the one holding on tight with her eyes closed. Funny, that's kinda how I live my life.

The dreamiest part happened when I finally woke up.

2008-12-11T05:38:00.000-08:00

I had the craziest dream this morning...
My husband had brought my son into the bedroom and put him in the bed next to me before leaving for work. This is our routine. My son seems to sleep longer that way, therefore momma gets to sleep later. I fell back asleep. When I woke up I noticed that the motion sensor light for the garage, which is below our bedroom window was on. I couldn't leave my son in the bed so I picked him up and went down the hall. As I approached the stairs I noticed a red blinking light downstairs. "Weird." I went downstairs and my husband's grandmother (who in reality is no longer living) was lying on the driveway. It was wet from the rain.
"Oh my God"' I screamed.
The neighbors were standing in their doorway and said that they had called an ambulance. By this time my son was awake, I put him down and he stood next to me as I knelt by Nanna. She was throwing up. Really gross throw up that quite frankly looked like poop. All I could think was, "I hope the ambulance gets here before I have to do CPR."
Just as I thought it would be a good idea to stand at the end of the driveway to alert the ambulance, it drove by the house. When it finally came back, the EMTs went straight into the house. I followed them yelling, "she's outside, she's outside."
They just kept going, into the room farthest back in the house, my bathroom. They started doing something to the shower wall, smearing stuff on it and I thought they were about to put a hole in the wall. This was getting scary.
"Ok, wake up self, wake up, WAKE UP!"

Whew, I finally woke up. I was lying in my bed. My room looked the same as when I "woke up" in my dream but a little brighter. I could smell my husband's aftershave on the sheets. My son was lying next to me. I couldn't hear the rain outside but I knew it was raining. "What a weird dream." I got up, put pillows around my son and flipped on the light but it didn't come on. I stepped into the hall and flipped on the light. That one didn't come on either and realized the bedroom light was probably turned off at the fan. So I stepped into the bedroom and pulled the string, still no light. I walked down the hall and as I got to the kitchen a squirrel shot past me.
"AHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD!!!!", I screamed.
It ran into the living room. I peeked around the corner like I was expecting to be attacked by the squirrel because, well, ya know, that's what people do. There were a ton of plants in the living room, it looked like a jungle. I had forgotten that my husband had brought the plants in the night before because it was suppose to get really cold. He had set them around willy nilly. Anyway, as I stepped into the living room. This posse of rodents; squirrels, rats, and a beaver that had golden fur came charging at me.
"AHHHHHH.", I screamed
The beaver looked at me and screamed, "AHHHHH."
"AHHHHHH." There is a beaver screaming at me.
AHHHHH." It screamed again.
It jumped up at me, "NO."
The beaver copied me, "NO."
"NO" What is happening!?!
"NO", it screamed again.
This whole beaver talking thing is too weird I thought I've got to scream something different. "AHHHHHHH."
"AHHHHHH", it screamed
"AHHHHHH", I screamed.
I've got to get to the bedroom and close the door to keep this posse from getting to my son. As I run down the hall I think, "wake up self, wake up, WAKE UP."

And I'm back in my bedroom, the room is a little brighter than in my dream. This time I could hear the rain outside. The weird dreamy fog was gone. I rolled over and smiled at my sleeping son and thought about the crazy dream I had just had. My son started talking in his sleep."no....NO. no, no, no." He started waving his arm. He settled back down and started groping the sheets in his sleep to find me. It was very cute, but this groping around business is not cute when you are trying to sleep. Anyway, he finally found my cheek and reached out his other hand to find my other cheek. He let out a "mmmmmmm", puckered his lips and pulled our faces together for a kiss. He let go of my face and settled once again. A few minutes later his eyes popped open. He climbed off the bed, grabbed my finger and pulled me into the kitchen. I turned on the light, which came on. We went into the living room. I started Finding Nemo at my sons request of "Meemo" , and made pancakes.

Feeling Better and in the Christmas Spirit

2008-12-08T18:21:00.000-08:00

Happy Freaking Birthday to Me!

2008-12-07T07:40:00.001-08:00

I almost didn't post this out of fear of being judged. But most of the people who read this, I assume, know me. And if you don't know me well enough to know who I really am and you are offended by this or think I'm suicidal. Oh well, deal.

So here goes, as I was cleaning the kitchen this morning I was thinking about trying to lose weight for the millionth time and how hard it is to practice self control when eating is one of your coping skills. My dad is gone and I miss him. My marriage is not perfect and I am so sick of everyone else pretending like theirs is. WAKE UP PEOPLE, we all know that your marriage is not a fairy tale. Then I thought to myself, " I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my son." Oh wait, yes I do, I would sleep, and see my friends more and have more energy and have hobbies and be spontaneous. What a cop out to say, "my kids are the only thing that keeps me going." People say that all the time and it's bullshit. Yes, you love your kids in a way that is indescribable, that can only be understood if you are a parent but the idea that your kids are the only reason you are surviving this place is ridiculous. And if that is the truth, how sad. Kids change your life but they shouldn't literally BE your life.
Anyway, that is my rant.
BTW, I don't need advice or pity, just to vent.

Mammaw's bananas and I'm praying for fruit

2008-12-04T16:21:00.000-08:00

I am sad that my mammaw is getting Alzheimer's. It is not fair. It was expected and pretty inevitable with our family history. I think the worst part of it is that my kids won't know mammaw like I do. They will know a different mammaw. A mammaw that is fun but weird. I remember my great grandmother as weird... and a little scary. I hope mammaw doesn't seem scary to my kids as she gets worse.
I also seem to be grieving my dad again. I seemed to be fine on the anniversary of his death but after a couple of days I seemed to begin to grieve all over again. It is weird that your brain associates weather and season with emotions and memories.

Ugh this is a fallen a world. This is not an easy place to exist and sometimes it is hard to walk in joy and peace. Lately I have been praying that God would make the fruits of the Spirit that lives in me more evident. I hope that makes sense. Plus, this season is a good time of year to practice self-control.

On a lighter note. Is this the sweetest baby ever, or what!?!

Missing Daddy

2008-11-20T17:32:00.000-08:00

Kitchen Misadventures

2008-11-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

If you look closely you can see his toes are not touching the step.

This is why my kitchen is never clean.

Yes, the house thing again

2008-11-18T08:08:00.000-08:00

I've been wondering for a long time if my husband and I are being disciplined for not spending our money wisely. We should have waited until our other house sold first before buying this one. There have been a lot of good things about living in this house and I love it, but it wasn't smart to buy a house before the other one sold. We made a bet that our other house would sell quickly and the house won. (clever pun if I do say so myself) Anyway, I feel like God is teaching us about money and making wise decisions and we are learning the hard way. We thought we were wise with money. Wrong.
So, I vow that I will no longer complain about having two houses. Don't get me wrong it will still be a burden. But now it is a valuable learning experience from a loving Father not just an extra house payment a month.

FYI

2008-11-15T20:50:00.000-08:00

Having two houses SUCKS! It sucks in a way that you can't imagine unless you have experienced it.

this post is brought to you by Disney

2008-11-12T18:19:00.000-08:00

I finally got internet back and there is a lot to talk about. I think I will space it out. Sometimes when I read other blogs, I will see a really long post and just pass it by.

I guess the thing in the front of my mind right now is that today is the anniversary of my dad's death. Strangely the idea of this has not followed me around like that gray cloud that follows Eyeore. It has just been kind of matter of fact. Don't get me wrong, I am sad. I miss my dad. Maybe this is normal, maybe it's 'cause I'm sick (not really sick just flu shot ickies) and don't have the energy to think of anything other than taking care of my son and keeping the house clean enough that you don't have to wade through crap to get to the next room.

On a lighter note Halloween was fun. My son was Handy Manny. The costume was not elaborate, but he loves Handy Manny and he was cute. He also loves chocolate. I can't imagine where he got that from :)

Happy Birthday Daddy!

2008-10-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

Today is my dad's birthday and I am choosing to celebrate his life instead of being sad that he is gone (I'm saving that for the day he died). I even made a cake. I am so thankful that I had the dad that I did, even if it was for only 27 years. It was an awesome 27 years. He was such a good daddy, mentor, and friend.

I will never forget being held by the ankles and having my head swished around in the tub to rinse out the shampoo, when I was little. He also would just pull into an empty parking lot and do donuts with no warning. He once stayed up all night with me after I had been dumped. He listened to me cry about that jerk ALL NIGHT. And I cannot describe the way he looked at my son.

Yay for good Daddies!

In, huuuuu. Out hooooooooo.

2008-09-26T14:27:00.000-07:00

Ok so the economy is crazy. And scary of you have two houses. Boo:( I just keep reminding myself to breathe. We have been living on husband's income and paying the other house's mortgage with savings. Eventhough there is plenty of savings right now, I am starting to freak out about the future. What if we still have two houses next year...brb..........

ok I'm back I almost threw up at the idea of having two houses next....brb...

whew

Anyway, so we did a new budget and realized that if we get rid of all of the extras like cable, internet, garbage service, restaurants, etc. we can actually pay both house payments. So bye-bye extras. I would much rather be without extras than to be freaking out all the time about money.

Here's to hoping a neighbor has wireless internet!

SHOES, shoes, SHOES

2008-09-22T18:44:00.000-07:00

I am in this weird in-between place. I don't have a ton in common with my friends anymore. I am a stay-at-home mom and have very few friends with babies. I used to think that there was disconnect because I lived inconveniently far away. But after moving I am realizing that it is more about being in a different life stage. I just started going to a mom's group so I know that soon I will have more mommy friends, right now is a little lonely though. Not physically lonely because there are people around but soul lonely. Ok, not actually as dramatic as it sounds, this is the only way I know how to describe it.

On a lighter note, shoes are very important in our house right now. The kid loves to say "shoe" and if he brings you a pair that will fit your feet, you must put them on or the world may end. Also, if he brings his own shoes to you, you must put them on him, or the world may end. The shiny ones are his favorite.

Jon at Knight

2008-09-18T07:28:00.001-07:00

New Kids on the Block.
Music that touches every generation.

How you doin?

2008-09-14T16:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Democrats,

2008-09-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

After reading some of my usual blogs and just existing in this country I felt it necessary to send you a note. I consider myself a conservative but not a die hard republican. If I had been old enough to vote for Clinton, I would have when he ran. Anyway, that is neither here nor there. The point that I would like to make is that even though I usually vote republican, not all who lean republican or even call themselves republicans are monsters.
I am not particularly interested in watching the DNC or the RNC because it is frankly people trashing each other while a crowd cheers them on. I haven't been into that since 8th grade. I am more interested in the debates. I have tried a few times to watch the conventions (both conventions) but turned them off because the nauseous feeling was forcing me to throw up a little in my mouth(both conventions).
Last night while Rudy Giuliani was speaking, the crowd began to chant, "drill baby drill!" ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Even if someone agreed with all of the drilling proposals wouldn't you think it would be a reluctant agreement? Or at least not thrilled by the idea?
So, for the record, not all conservatives are wacko.
That is all.
Respectfully,
Crooked Toes

Full Belly

2008-09-02T09:06:00.000-07:00

Lunch was "all gone", except for the crumbly remains of a few animal cracker legs. He's cruel that way.

Pass the Tissues

2008-09-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

So I've been working on my son's baby book. Yes, he is 15 months and I've barely even started. My future kids will be lucky to even have pics of them taken. Anyway, while looking through pics I found three wedding pics that were very similar. These photos are of (in my opinion) the best part of the wedding. There is nothing as beautiful as when a man puts aside any macho ego he may have and soaks in the beauty of his bride. These pics are a little blurry, probably because I took them while on my tippy toes, around somebody's hair and in full zoom. That's how much I love this moment. Anyway, hopefully you can see the beauty of the moment through the blur.

Doppleganger

2008-08-31T05:17:00.000-07:00

Now that we know there are two of them, there is only one question. Which one is the evil one?

BTW, I think I saw those dance moves at my wedding.

Really!?!

2008-08-30T19:29:00.000-07:00

Adults discussing the candidates in the presidential election of the greatest and most powerful country in the world sounds surprisingly like merciless teenage girls talking about prom queen candidates.

"Barack is hot but not black enough."

"Biden seems drunk all the time and doesn't respect his own wife."

"McCain is too pale and too old, he could die any second."

"Palin will neglect her down syndrome baby if she becomes VP."

I hope people don't vote based on this kind of stuff.

πr²h

2008-08-23T12:12:00.001-07:00

I hate feeling like I don't fit into somebody's square hole. So what if I'm a round peg, SO WHAT! I guess it's my own problem because I will never fit into everyone's square holes (or whatever shape hole it is.) I should just be confident being the peg that I am.

Remember in high school when your BFFs and yourself were all the same shaped peg. There was comfort in that? But there was no depth.

I suppose a little discomfort being the exact peg that you are is better than shallow faking to be a square peg. I guess the only thing to do is to move towards being proud to be the peg that I am.

So there, I am a round peg....round, round, round!

Stayin' Alive

2008-08-16T09:10:00.001-07:00

So the wedding was beautiful and I cried my eyes out like a senior without a date to the prom. I am ridiculous.
We came, we saw, we danced, we conquered.
My favorite uncle danced a little disco.

My son danced to La Bamba with his Nana, which he loved. I think the "bloons" (balloons) were his favorite part though.

I am in a funk today. Wanting to do something with nothing to do. Well, that's not entirely true. I could call someone and do something but nothing sounds fun. Husband and I are going to go do something outdoorsy later. But at this moment, I am in limbo. Alas, I will suck it up and clean the house. Ho hum.

Who's Bad

2008-08-14T18:57:00.000-07:00

In attempt to avoid whining, I am simply giving an update today.

My youngest cousin is getting married tomorrow. Married! Weird. It wasn't weird to me until I was at the shower and I had one of those moments where you feel like you're in a sitcom. Suddenly all of the chatter of, "ooooh dishes and aaaah crockpots", turned into distant echoes. This man sitting in the middle of the room with his future wife appeared to me to be five. Laughing not about the number of crockpots but at Pee-Wee's playhouse on my grandmother's cabinet teevee. I almost cried but refused because the shower was about him and not my nostalgic moment.

Below is a glimpse of his younger days.

Where's the baby?

2008-08-11T10:50:00.000-07:00

"Thayr-ee-bay-bee!"

take my house...please

2008-08-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

My dad's estate is officially closed, which kinda makes me want to puke. Like it's officially over. Not that he is anymore dead or anything. Not sure how to explain it. Anyway, blech.

I still have two FREAKIN' houses. Looks like renting is inevitable. There is nothing worse than feeling like your life is on hold...indefinitely.

The good news? I have a wonderful husband, wonderful baby, a nice home...two actually, and oh yeah, I am able to have conversations with the God of the Universe.

Why am I such a whiner?

It's on Now Baby

2008-08-04T18:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Legion of Ants invading my kitchen,

You must know that you are not welcome in my home. First, your front lines were annihilated, and any survivors were sent with a message back to the camp. Second, I bought agents for chemical warfare from the Cook's man. Although there has been little change in Scout activity I must believe there is an impact at your camp. So called "home remedies" or guerrilla warfare seems to have little effect only slowing down your men. But make no mistake, I will be victorious. This is nothing personal, I have no prejudices against ants. The yard is Switzerland, but you are just not welcome in my home. If your persistence continues I will search for your camp and genocide will be the only option. Again, this is nothing personal but you entered my home.

Respectfully,

Crooked Toes

Ups and Downs

2008-08-03T19:46:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is weigh in. Earlier this week I was at -9, but usually I'm up by a pound by weigh in day b/c of weekend indulgences. My clothes are more loose, so that is a Yay!

Still plenty of pounds to lose before I get pregnant again, so that is a Boo. But -9 is a big deal for me so, it's a 1/2 boo! It's like WooBoo!

There is no more work to be done on our house that is for sale, so that is a Yay!

Still no offers on the house, Boo.

Two open houses coming up, Yay.

My son is always classy, Yay!

houses and heebeegeebees

2008-07-29T14:21:00.000-07:00

First of all, please pray that my house will sell. Someone is looking at it tonight and there are open houses next friday and the next. It would relieve a ton of stress.

Second of all, I hate ants and earwigs are gross!

Yay for Vacation!

2008-07-24T10:16:00.000-07:00

Anna Ruby Falls Hike

The other highlights were the hotel pool and Babyland General Hospital (where Cabbage Patch Babies are born). At the "hospital" there were a TON of babies and my son repeated over and over, "bay-bee, bay-bee".

Our Mountain Home

2008-07-17T19:51:00.000-07:00

We are going on a mini vacation this weekend. Hawaii is on hold until the house sells. This mini vacation is in no way luxurious or extravagant but I am excited. It will be so nice to get away from real life and pretend to be someone else.

Once at Biltmore I pretended that it was my home and all the other people there came to see how wonderful my home was. Husband was not so into the fantasy, but I had fun.

Is that weird? Nevermind, I know it's odd. I was entertained and that was the purpose anyway.

I miss you, daddy.

2008-07-16T17:59:00.000-07:00

The time to close my dad's estate is coming near. I'm just waiting on a check to clear the bank. It is weird to think about, mainly because daddy's death has been very businessy for me. I wonder what it'll be like when it is no longer businessy. Not that it was all businessy, I did my share of wailing and gnashing of teeth. I missed him a lot today. I cried, which is unusual.

I don't really believe that God allows people in heaven to hear our thoughts or voices but sometimes it feels better to say to my dad silently, " I miss you" or "I love you." I don't have conversations or hear things back or anything weird like that. I desperately want to tell him about my son and what he is like. My dad was going to be the "favorite grandparent, without even trying."

I don't know if we know people or recognize them in heaven, buy I hope so.

I'll never be hungry again... well, maybe but at least I'm losing weight

2008-06-25T05:34:00.000-07:00

I started weight watchers last week and lost 3.8 lbs. I'm not really sure how that happened since every other diet I ever tried didn't work. In the past I have jogged 1-3 mi. EVERY day but did not change my food intake and lost nothing. Anyway, yay for weight watchers!

It's been 7 months since my dad died and I still think of him every day. That sounds like something overly dramatic that Scarlet O'Hara type people say, but it's true. I am a little Scarletish though. Anyway, there are usually no tears involved or gnashing of teeth but sadness and a lack of understanding. Not that I need to understand, that's just what I'm feeling.

I usually think of him while I'm rocking my son. I suppose that is one of the only "quiet" times I have during the day.

My son is 13 months and talks alot! Most of it cannot be understood. I'm am only greatful for that when he is mad and is undoubtedly cussing. My favorite baby language things now are when he hears a dog he says "woo, woo" in a deep voice. And when something that was hidden is found he says, "ther ee ees", meaning "there it is".

OMG Ellie Mae, come look at this!

2008-03-20T12:07:00.000-07:00

Ramblings and Ponderings

2008-03-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

Still debating over new house. We put a bid in on THE HOUSE and we're the back up offer, which means THE HOUSE belong to THE OTHER PEOPLE. Still contemplating building but the build would be only a temporary house as that is not our ideal location. I'm kinda thinking we should buy an ugly house in the ideal area and move to a better house in the ideal area later if we want. That way our kids don't have to change schools.

I had mexican for lunch on an already upset stomach. Not ideal but I wanted to have lunch with Mr. Crooked Toes and he had to have a quick lunch next door to the office. So, emergency poop (term coined by sister) will continue.

Baby Toes is sleeping, you would think he was an angel.

I've been noticing that I talk about my experience losing my father with others a lot lately. Not specifically about the ordeal but how it affects me. Like someone will be all "lately I've been realizing that I blah blah blah" or "I used to feel blah blah when blah happened" and then I am all, "yeah since my dad died I have realized that blahblahdeblahblah about myself too. I'm sure they are all sick of hearing me say, "since my dad died..."

Is that bad?

Do you think people are getting sick of it?

Does it matter?

Hmmm?

Rough Night

2008-02-14T12:07:00.001-08:00

Sometimes there is a direct correlation between morning hair and what kind of night it was.

Yay for babies!

2008-02-12T13:35:00.000-08:00

Today he turned the pages of his book one at a time, from front to back. Clearly a genius. Well, he did touch the dog and say "cat". Maybe not a genius.

blahblahdeblahda cat

2008-02-08T19:58:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting in the floor with my baby and the cat is weaving around us and my son is mesmerized. So like any other time that this happens I say, "cat...cat...cat...cat...cat..." And today it happened, I HEARD "cat" with a "ku" sound and a "t" sound. YAY! A real word not just mamamamama or dadadada or bahbahlalaba. Cat! Then he pet the cat, like he had been doing...gently, oh so gently. Then the damn thing bit him. What the hell! Broke the skin! Now when the cat comes by I think we will practice....damn cat....damn cat....damn cat......

okay probably not...but poor little guy, finally said a frikkin word and his reward is being bit. Cat bites hurt and then sting a little. Oh well. Yay, he said cat!

In need of sleep and prozac

2008-02-06T13:12:00.000-08:00

I desperately love my baby but OH my god he is WHINEY.

Sorry short post, baby just woke up......whining.

Hormone Shift

2008-02-01T19:22:00.000-08:00

The state college that my dad worked at is having a reception thingy b/c they are naming the photo studio he designed after him. (He taught photography and pretty much developed their program.) A pretty big company that he worked for is also naming their studio(that he designed) after him. It is really cool that so many people thought so highly of him. He was great. It makes me feel better to know other people miss him too. Not b/c misery loves company but b/c it is kind of like sharing the burden of the pain.

I started my period today and the intensity of my angry at God stuff is less. Still there, just not so intense.

Husband and I are considering building a house instead of buying one. The details aren't interesting but it is a big deal to me so ta da there it is.

Superwoman

2008-01-31T20:52:00.000-08:00

So today was a better day. My dad is still dead and I am still sad, but it was a better day. Probably because I was so busy. My house is for sale but still messy all the time.

I got a call at 11:15.

"Mrs. Crookedtoes? This is John from Realty Company, can you do a showing from 2-3 today?"

"ummmmmm.......what time is it?"

"11:15"

"ummmmmmm........(internal dialogue: HOLY SHIT!)........ya, that would be okay"

I spent the next two hours running through the house cleaning like a crazy woman. Thank God for high chairs and Big Bird. I'm thinking about writing a letter to the people at Sesame Street and thanking them.

The house looked beautiful. I was covered in sweat but earned the title of Superwoman for the day.

Then later we went to our small group. I'm glad I went eventhough I didn't feel like talking about how wonderful God is. I explained that I was mad at God and no one tried to convince me that I was evil or feeling something wrong. It is nice the be listened to and not judged. Hmmm, is that what Christians are suppose to do?

I was almost gifted

2008-01-30T10:46:00.000-08:00

My blog was almostgifted but my computer is smarter than me and I had to create a new account. I figured my crooked toes is a prime example of how I was short from perfect from birth.

I hadn't blogged in a long time but it has become necessary to have an outlet. My dad died just before Thanksgiving. I am a stay-at-home mom to a perfectly gifted 8 1/2 month old boy. Before he was born I decided that I would be a perfect mom. As perfect as I could be. Well being depressed, crying sporadically throughout the day, and being angry at God are not on the perfect mom's to-do list. I know I'm not a bad mom and that this is only temporary.

My dad is gone, my baby doesn't sleep good....both of these things can make a person crazy. When I was on my way to my dad's house and I knew he was dead (I didn't officially know, but I knew) I prayed that God would be my comfort in this time, my only comfort. Well I don't feel very comforted.

I understand atheism now. To have crappy stuff happen just because crappy stuff happens is one thing. To have crappy stuff happen, ask God for help, and hear nothing from Him, is horrible. I still believe in God, I'm just mad at him. My husband says that He is a big God and he can handle it.

I don't think I can though.