Thursday, January 31, 2008


So today was a better day.  My dad is still dead and I am still sad, but it was a better day.  Probably because I was so busy.  My house is for sale but still messy all the time.  
I got a call at 11:15.

 "Mrs. Crookedtoes?  This is John from Realty Company, can you do a showing from 2-3 today?" 
"ummmmmm.......what time is it?"


"ummmmmmm........(internal dialogue: HOLY SHIT!)........ya, that would be okay"

I spent the next two hours running through the house cleaning like a crazy woman.  Thank God for high chairs and Big Bird.  I'm thinking about writing a letter to the people at Sesame Street and thanking them.

The house looked beautiful.  I was covered in sweat but earned the title of Superwoman for the day.
Then later we went to our small group.  I'm glad I went eventhough I didn't feel like talking about how wonderful God is.  I explained that I was mad at God and no one tried to convince me that I was evil or feeling something wrong.  It is nice the be listened to and not judged. Hmmm, is that what Christians are suppose to do?

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I was almost gifted

My blog was almostgifted but my computer is smarter than me and I had to create a new account.   I figured my crooked toes is a prime example of how I was short from perfect from birth.

I hadn't blogged in a long time but it has become necessary to have an outlet.  My dad died just before Thanksgiving.  I am a stay-at-home mom to a perfectly gifted 8 1/2 month old boy.  Before he was born I decided that I would be a perfect mom.  As perfect as I could be.  Well being depressed, crying sporadically throughout the day, and being angry at God are not on the perfect mom's to-do list.  I know I'm not a bad mom and that this is only temporary.  
My dad is gone, my baby doesn't sleep good....both of these things can make a person crazy.  When I was on my way to my dad's house and I knew he was dead (I didn't officially know, but I knew) I prayed that God would be my comfort in this time, my only comfort.  Well I don't feel very comforted.  
I understand atheism now.  To have crappy stuff happen just because crappy stuff happens is one thing.  To have crappy stuff happen, ask God for help, and hear nothing from Him, is horrible.  I still believe in God, I'm just mad at him.  My husband says that He is a big God and he can handle it. 
I don't think I can though.