BAd haiR DaY

iT all stARTed wheN I wOKe up wiTH A bad hAIR day. EveRYTHing weNt DOwn hilL FRom therE. AlL MY cartoons weRE REruns. Cheerios AGAIN. MommY YELLed at mE FOr waking up nEMo. hOW was I sUPPOse to knOW He doesn't like it whEN You bang on thE TAnk. BY MId-MOrning I wASN't eveN IN the moOD For Elmo. MOMmy INSISTS on cHANGing my diaPER Even thoUGh I proTESt. AnD if that iSn't enoUgh I got IN TRouble for putTTINg my bAll in tHE toil.........uh-oh...MoMmy is coMINg, I gottA go. I'm not sUPpose to be on the comPUTer.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So I feel like I'm on the realty roller coaster, clinging to the bar across my lap for dear life. I've never been one to raise my arms and scream on a roller coaster. I'm the one holding on tight with her eyes closed. Funny, that's kinda how I live my life.

The dreamiest part happened when I finally woke up.

I had the craziest dream this morning...
My husband had brought my son into the bedroom and put him in the bed next to me before leaving for work. This is our routine. My son seems to sleep longer that way, therefore momma gets to sleep later. I fell back asleep. When I woke up I noticed that the motion sensor light for the garage, which is below our bedroom window was on. I couldn't leave my son in the bed so I picked him up and went down the hall. As I approached the stairs I noticed a red blinking light downstairs. "Weird." I went downstairs and my husband's grandmother (who in reality is no longer living) was lying on the driveway. It was wet from the rain.
"Oh my God"' I screamed.
The neighbors were standing in their doorway and said that they had called an ambulance. By this time my son was awake, I put him down and he stood next to me as I knelt by Nanna. She was throwing up. Really gross throw up that quite frankly looked like poop. All I could think was, "I hope the ambulance gets here before I have to do CPR."
Just as I thought it would be a good idea to stand at the end of the driveway to alert the ambulance, it drove by the house. When it finally came back, the EMTs went straight into the house. I followed them yelling, "she's outside, she's outside."
They just kept going, into the room farthest back in the house, my bathroom. They started doing something to the shower wall, smearing stuff on it and I thought they were about to put a hole in the wall. This was getting scary.
"Ok, wake up self, wake up, WAKE UP!"

Whew, I finally woke up. I was lying in my bed. My room looked the same as when I "woke up" in my dream but a little brighter. I could smell my husband's aftershave on the sheets. My son was lying next to me. I couldn't hear the rain outside but I knew it was raining. "What a weird dream." I got up, put pillows around my son and flipped on the light but it didn't come on. I stepped into the hall and flipped on the light. That one didn't come on either and realized the bedroom light was probably turned off at the fan. So I stepped into the bedroom and pulled the string, still no light. I walked down the hall and as I got to the kitchen a squirrel shot past me.
"AHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD!!!!", I screamed.
It ran into the living room. I peeked around the corner like I was expecting to be attacked by the squirrel because, well, ya know, that's what people do. There were a ton of plants in the living room, it looked like a jungle. I had forgotten that my husband had brought the plants in the night before because it was suppose to get really cold. He had set them around willy nilly. Anyway, as I stepped into the living room. This posse of rodents; squirrels, rats, and a beaver that had golden fur came charging at me.
"AHHHHHH.", I screamed
The beaver looked at me and screamed, "AHHHHH."
"AHHHHHH." There is a beaver screaming at me.
AHHHHH." It screamed again.
It jumped up at me, "NO."
The beaver copied me, "NO."
"NO" What is happening!?!
"NO", it screamed again.
This whole beaver talking thing is too weird I thought I've got to scream something different. "AHHHHHHH."
"AHHHHHH", it screamed
"AHHHHHH", I screamed.
I've got to get to the bedroom and close the door to keep this posse from getting to my son. As I run down the hall I think, "wake up self, wake up, WAKE UP."

And I'm back in my bedroom, the room is a little brighter than in my dream. This time I could hear the rain outside. The weird dreamy fog was gone. I rolled over and smiled at my sleeping son and thought about the crazy dream I had just had. My son started talking in his sleep."no....NO. no, no, no." He started waving his arm. He settled back down and started groping the sheets in his sleep to find me. It was very cute, but this groping around business is not cute when you are trying to sleep. Anyway, he finally found my cheek and reached out his other hand to find my other cheek. He let out a "mmmmmmm", puckered his lips and pulled our faces together for a kiss. He let go of my face and settled once again. A few minutes later his eyes popped open. He climbed off the bed, grabbed my finger and pulled me into the kitchen. I turned on the light, which came on. We went into the living room. I started Finding Nemo at my sons request of "Meemo" , and made pancakes.

Feeling Better and in the Christmas Spirit

Happy Freaking Birthday to Me!

I almost didn't post this out of fear of being judged. But most of the people who read this, I assume, know me. And if you don't know me well enough to know who I really am and you are offended by this or think I'm suicidal. Oh well, deal.

So here goes, as I was cleaning the kitchen this morning I was thinking about trying to lose weight for the millionth time and how hard it is to practice self control when eating is one of your coping skills. My dad is gone and I miss him. My marriage is not perfect and I am so sick of everyone else pretending like theirs is. WAKE UP PEOPLE, we all know that your marriage is not a fairy tale. Then I thought to myself, " I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my son." Oh wait, yes I do, I would sleep, and see my friends more and have more energy and have hobbies and be spontaneous. What a cop out to say, "my kids are the only thing that keeps me going." People say that all the time and it's bullshit. Yes, you love your kids in a way that is indescribable, that can only be understood if you are a parent but the idea that your kids are the only reason you are surviving this place is ridiculous. And if that is the truth, how sad. Kids change your life but they shouldn't literally BE your life.
Anyway, that is my rant.
BTW, I don't need advice or pity, just to vent.

Mammaw's bananas and I'm praying for fruit

I am sad that my mammaw is getting Alzheimer's. It is not fair. It was expected and pretty inevitable with our family history. I think the worst part of it is that my kids won't know mammaw like I do. They will know a different mammaw. A mammaw that is fun but weird. I remember my great grandmother as weird... and a little scary. I hope mammaw doesn't seem scary to my kids as she gets worse.
I also seem to be grieving my dad again. I seemed to be fine on the anniversary of his death but after a couple of days I seemed to begin to grieve all over again. It is weird that your brain associates weather and season with emotions and memories.

Ugh this is a fallen a world. This is not an easy place to exist and sometimes it is hard to walk in joy and peace. Lately I have been praying that God would make the fruits of the Spirit that lives in me more evident. I hope that makes sense. Plus, this season is a good time of year to practice self-control.


On a lighter note. Is this the sweetest baby ever, or what!?!