BAd haiR DaY

iT all stARTed wheN I wOKe up wiTH A bad hAIR day. EveRYTHing weNt DOwn hilL FRom therE. AlL MY cartoons weRE REruns. Cheerios AGAIN. MommY YELLed at mE FOr waking up nEMo. hOW was I sUPPOse to knOW He doesn't like it whEN You bang on thE TAnk. BY MId-MOrning I wASN't eveN IN the moOD For Elmo. MOMmy INSISTS on cHANGing my diaPER Even thoUGh I proTESt. AnD if that iSn't enoUgh I got IN TRouble for putTTINg my bAll in tHE toil.........uh-oh...MoMmy is coMINg, I gottA go. I'm not sUPpose to be on the comPUTer.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So I feel like I'm on the realty roller coaster, clinging to the bar across my lap for dear life. I've never been one to raise my arms and scream on a roller coaster. I'm the one holding on tight with her eyes closed. Funny, that's kinda how I live my life.

The dreamiest part happened when I finally woke up.

I had the craziest dream this morning...
My husband had brought my son into the bedroom and put him in the bed next to me before leaving for work. This is our routine. My son seems to sleep longer that way, therefore momma gets to sleep later. I fell back asleep. When I woke up I noticed that the motion sensor light for the garage, which is below our bedroom window was on. I couldn't leave my son in the bed so I picked him up and went down the hall. As I approached the stairs I noticed a red blinking light downstairs. "Weird." I went downstairs and my husband's grandmother (who in reality is no longer living) was lying on the driveway. It was wet from the rain.
"Oh my God"' I screamed.
The neighbors were standing in their doorway and said that they had called an ambulance. By this time my son was awake, I put him down and he stood next to me as I knelt by Nanna. She was throwing up. Really gross throw up that quite frankly looked like poop. All I could think was, "I hope the ambulance gets here before I have to do CPR."
Just as I thought it would be a good idea to stand at the end of the driveway to alert the ambulance, it drove by the house. When it finally came back, the EMTs went straight into the house. I followed them yelling, "she's outside, she's outside."
They just kept going, into the room farthest back in the house, my bathroom. They started doing something to the shower wall, smearing stuff on it and I thought they were about to put a hole in the wall. This was getting scary.
"Ok, wake up self, wake up, WAKE UP!"

Whew, I finally woke up. I was lying in my bed. My room looked the same as when I "woke up" in my dream but a little brighter. I could smell my husband's aftershave on the sheets. My son was lying next to me. I couldn't hear the rain outside but I knew it was raining. "What a weird dream." I got up, put pillows around my son and flipped on the light but it didn't come on. I stepped into the hall and flipped on the light. That one didn't come on either and realized the bedroom light was probably turned off at the fan. So I stepped into the bedroom and pulled the string, still no light. I walked down the hall and as I got to the kitchen a squirrel shot past me.
"AHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD!!!!", I screamed.
It ran into the living room. I peeked around the corner like I was expecting to be attacked by the squirrel because, well, ya know, that's what people do. There were a ton of plants in the living room, it looked like a jungle. I had forgotten that my husband had brought the plants in the night before because it was suppose to get really cold. He had set them around willy nilly. Anyway, as I stepped into the living room. This posse of rodents; squirrels, rats, and a beaver that had golden fur came charging at me.
"AHHHHHH.", I screamed
The beaver looked at me and screamed, "AHHHHH."
"AHHHHHH." There is a beaver screaming at me.
AHHHHH." It screamed again.
It jumped up at me, "NO."
The beaver copied me, "NO."
"NO" What is happening!?!
"NO", it screamed again.
This whole beaver talking thing is too weird I thought I've got to scream something different. "AHHHHHHH."
"AHHHHHH", it screamed
"AHHHHHH", I screamed.
I've got to get to the bedroom and close the door to keep this posse from getting to my son. As I run down the hall I think, "wake up self, wake up, WAKE UP."

And I'm back in my bedroom, the room is a little brighter than in my dream. This time I could hear the rain outside. The weird dreamy fog was gone. I rolled over and smiled at my sleeping son and thought about the crazy dream I had just had. My son started talking in his sleep."no....NO. no, no, no." He started waving his arm. He settled back down and started groping the sheets in his sleep to find me. It was very cute, but this groping around business is not cute when you are trying to sleep. Anyway, he finally found my cheek and reached out his other hand to find my other cheek. He let out a "mmmmmmm", puckered his lips and pulled our faces together for a kiss. He let go of my face and settled once again. A few minutes later his eyes popped open. He climbed off the bed, grabbed my finger and pulled me into the kitchen. I turned on the light, which came on. We went into the living room. I started Finding Nemo at my sons request of "Meemo" , and made pancakes.

Feeling Better and in the Christmas Spirit

Happy Freaking Birthday to Me!

I almost didn't post this out of fear of being judged. But most of the people who read this, I assume, know me. And if you don't know me well enough to know who I really am and you are offended by this or think I'm suicidal. Oh well, deal.

So here goes, as I was cleaning the kitchen this morning I was thinking about trying to lose weight for the millionth time and how hard it is to practice self control when eating is one of your coping skills. My dad is gone and I miss him. My marriage is not perfect and I am so sick of everyone else pretending like theirs is. WAKE UP PEOPLE, we all know that your marriage is not a fairy tale. Then I thought to myself, " I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my son." Oh wait, yes I do, I would sleep, and see my friends more and have more energy and have hobbies and be spontaneous. What a cop out to say, "my kids are the only thing that keeps me going." People say that all the time and it's bullshit. Yes, you love your kids in a way that is indescribable, that can only be understood if you are a parent but the idea that your kids are the only reason you are surviving this place is ridiculous. And if that is the truth, how sad. Kids change your life but they shouldn't literally BE your life.
Anyway, that is my rant.
BTW, I don't need advice or pity, just to vent.

Mammaw's bananas and I'm praying for fruit

I am sad that my mammaw is getting Alzheimer's. It is not fair. It was expected and pretty inevitable with our family history. I think the worst part of it is that my kids won't know mammaw like I do. They will know a different mammaw. A mammaw that is fun but weird. I remember my great grandmother as weird... and a little scary. I hope mammaw doesn't seem scary to my kids as she gets worse.
I also seem to be grieving my dad again. I seemed to be fine on the anniversary of his death but after a couple of days I seemed to begin to grieve all over again. It is weird that your brain associates weather and season with emotions and memories.

Ugh this is a fallen a world. This is not an easy place to exist and sometimes it is hard to walk in joy and peace. Lately I have been praying that God would make the fruits of the Spirit that lives in me more evident. I hope that makes sense. Plus, this season is a good time of year to practice self-control.


On a lighter note. Is this the sweetest baby ever, or what!?!

Missing Daddy

Kitchen Misadventures

If you look closely you can see his toes are not touching the step.











This is why my kitchen is never clean.

Yes, the house thing again

I've been wondering for a long time if my husband and I are being disciplined for not spending our money wisely. We should have waited until our other house sold first before buying this one. There have been a lot of good things about living in this house and I love it, but it wasn't smart to buy a house before the other one sold. We made a bet that our other house would sell quickly and the house won. (clever pun if I do say so myself) Anyway, I feel like God is teaching us about money and making wise decisions and we are learning the hard way. We thought we were wise with money. Wrong.
So, I vow that I will no longer complain about having two houses. Don't get me wrong it will still be a burden. But now it is a valuable learning experience from a loving Father not just an extra house payment a month.

FYI

Having two houses SUCKS! It sucks in a way that you can't imagine unless you have experienced it.

this post is brought to you by Disney

I finally got internet back and there is a lot to talk about. I think I will space it out. Sometimes when I read other blogs, I will see a really long post and just pass it by.

I guess the thing in the front of my mind right now is that today is the anniversary of my dad's death. Strangely the idea of this has not followed me around like that gray cloud that follows Eyeore. It has just been kind of matter of fact. Don't get me wrong, I am sad. I miss my dad. Maybe this is normal, maybe it's 'cause I'm sick (not really sick just flu shot ickies) and don't have the energy to think of anything other than taking care of my son and keeping the house clean enough that you don't have to wade through crap to get to the next room.

On a lighter note Halloween was fun. My son was Handy Manny. The costume was not elaborate, but he loves Handy Manny and he was cute. He also loves chocolate. I can't imagine where he got that from :)

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Today is my dad's birthday and I am choosing to celebrate his life instead of being sad that he is gone (I'm saving that for the day he died).  I even made a cake.  I am so thankful that I had the dad that I did, even if it was for only 27 years.  It was an awesome 27 years.  He was such a good daddy, mentor, and friend.  

I will never forget being held by the ankles and having my head swished around in the tub to rinse out the shampoo, when I was little.  He also would just pull into an empty parking lot and do donuts with no warning.  He once stayed up all night with me after I had been dumped.  He listened to me cry about that jerk ALL NIGHT.  And I cannot describe the way he looked at my son.  

Yay for good Daddies!

In, huuuuu. Out hooooooooo.

Ok so the economy is crazy.  And scary of you have two houses.  Boo:(   I just keep reminding myself to breathe.  We have been living on husband's income and paying the other house's mortgage with savings.  Eventhough there is plenty of savings right now, I am starting to freak out about the future.  What if we still have two houses next year...brb..........

ok I'm back I almost threw up at the idea of having two houses next....brb...

whew

Anyway, so we did a new budget and realized that if we get rid of all of the extras like cable, internet, garbage service, restaurants, etc. we can actually pay both house payments.   So bye-bye extras.  I would much rather be without extras than to be freaking out all the time about money.

Here's to hoping a neighbor has wireless internet! 

SHOES, shoes, SHOES

I am in this weird in-between place. I don't have a ton in common with my friends anymore. I am a stay-at-home mom and have very few friends with babies. I used to think that there was disconnect because I lived inconveniently far away. But after moving I am realizing that it is more about being in a different life stage. I just started going to a mom's group so I know that soon I will have more mommy friends, right now is a little lonely though. Not physically lonely because there are people around but soul lonely. Ok, not actually as dramatic as it sounds, this is the only way I know how to describe it.

On a lighter note, shoes are very important in our house right now. The kid loves to say "shoe" and if he brings you a pair that will fit your feet, you must put them on or the world may end. Also, if he brings his own shoes to you, you must put them on him, or the world may end. The shiny ones are his favorite.

Jon at Knight

New Kids on the Block.
Music that touches every generation.

How you doin?

Dear Democrats,

After reading some of my usual blogs and just existing in this country I felt it necessary to send you a note. I consider myself a conservative but not a die hard republican. If I had been old enough to vote for Clinton, I would have when he ran. Anyway, that is neither here nor there. The point that I would like to make is that even though I usually vote republican, not all who lean republican or even call themselves republicans are monsters.
I am not particularly interested in watching the DNC or the RNC because it is frankly people trashing each other while a crowd cheers them on. I haven't been into that since 8th grade. I am more interested in the debates. I have tried a few times to watch the conventions (both conventions) but turned them off because the nauseous feeling was forcing me to throw up a little in my mouth(both conventions).
Last night while Rudy Giuliani was speaking, the crowd began to chant, "drill baby drill!" ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Even if someone agreed with all of the drilling proposals wouldn't you think it would be a reluctant agreement? Or at least not thrilled by the idea?
So, for the record, not all conservatives are wacko.
That is all.
Respectfully,
Crooked Toes

Full Belly

Lunch was "all gone", except for the crumbly remains of a few animal cracker legs. He's cruel that way.

Pass the Tissues

So I've been working on my son's baby book. Yes, he is 15 months and I've barely even started. My future kids will be lucky to even have pics of them taken. Anyway, while looking through pics I found three wedding pics that were very similar. These photos are of (in my opinion) the best part of the wedding. There is nothing as beautiful as when a man puts aside any macho ego he may have and soaks in the beauty of his bride. These pics are a little blurry, probably because I took them while on my tippy toes, around somebody's hair and in full zoom. That's how much I love this moment. Anyway, hopefully you can see the beauty of the moment through the blur.

Doppleganger

Now that we know there are two of them, there is only one question. Which one is the evil one?

BTW, I think I saw those dance moves at my wedding.

Really!?!

Adults discussing the candidates in the presidential election of the greatest and most powerful country in the world sounds surprisingly like merciless teenage girls talking about prom queen candidates.  

"Barack is hot but not black enough."

"Biden seems drunk all the time and doesn't respect his own wife."

"McCain is too pale and too old, he could die any second."

"Palin will neglect her down syndrome baby if she becomes VP."

I hope people don't vote based on this kind of stuff.

πr²h

I hate feeling like I don't fit into somebody's square hole.  So what if I'm a round peg, SO WHAT!  I guess it's my own problem because I will never fit into everyone's square holes (or whatever shape hole it is.)  I should just be confident being the peg that I am.  

Remember in high school when your BFFs and yourself were all the same shaped peg.  There was comfort in that?  But there was no depth.  

I suppose a little discomfort being the exact peg that you are is better than shallow faking to be a square peg.  I guess the only thing to do is to move towards being proud to be the peg that I am.

So there, I am a round peg....round, round, round!

Stayin' Alive

So the wedding was beautiful and I cried my eyes out like a senior without a date to the prom. I am ridiculous.
We came, we saw, we danced, we conquered.
My favorite uncle danced a little disco.

My son danced to La Bamba with his Nana, which he loved. I think the "bloons" (balloons) were his favorite part though.



I am in a funk today. Wanting to do something with nothing to do. Well, that's not entirely true. I could call someone and do something but nothing sounds fun. Husband and I are going to go do something outdoorsy later. But at this moment, I am in limbo. Alas, I will suck it up and clean the house.  Ho hum.

Who's Bad

In attempt to avoid whining, I am simply giving an update today.

My youngest cousin is getting married tomorrow.  Married!  Weird.  It wasn't weird to me until I was at the shower and I had one of those moments where you feel like you're in a sitcom.  Suddenly all of the chatter of, "ooooh dishes and aaaah crockpots", turned into distant echoes.   This man sitting in the middle of the room with his future wife appeared to me to be five.  Laughing not about the number of crockpots but at Pee-Wee's playhouse on my grandmother's cabinet teevee.  I almost cried but refused because the shower was about him and not my nostalgic moment.  

Below is a glimpse of his younger days.

Where's the baby?

"Thayr-ee-bay-bee!"

take my house...please

My dad's estate is officially closed, which kinda makes me want to puke.  Like it's officially over.  Not that he is anymore dead or anything.   Not sure how to explain it.  Anyway, blech.

I still have two FREAKIN' houses.  Looks like renting is inevitable.  There is nothing worse than feeling like your life is on hold...indefinitely.

The good news?  I have a wonderful husband, wonderful baby, a nice home...two actually, and oh yeah, I am able to have conversations with the God of the Universe.

Why am I such a whiner?

It's on Now Baby

Dear Legion of Ants invading my kitchen,

You must know that you are not welcome in my home.  First, your front lines were annihilated, and any survivors were sent with a message back to the camp.  Second, I bought agents for chemical warfare from the Cook's man.  Although there has been little change in Scout activity I must believe there is an impact at your camp.   So called "home remedies" or guerrilla warfare seems to have little effect only slowing down your men.  But make no mistake, I will be victorious.  This is nothing personal, I have no prejudices against ants.  The yard is Switzerland, but you are just not welcome in my home.  If your persistence continues I will search for your camp and genocide will be the only option.  Again, this is nothing personal but you entered my home.

Respectfully,

Crooked Toes

Ups and Downs

Tomorrow is weigh in.  Earlier this week I was at -9, but usually I'm up by a pound by weigh in day b/c of weekend indulgences.  My clothes are more loose, so that is a Yay!  

Still plenty of pounds to lose before I get pregnant again, so that is a Boo.  But -9 is a big deal for me so, it's a 1/2 boo!  It's like WooBoo!

There is no more work to be done on our house that is for sale, so that is a Yay!

Still no offers on the house, Boo.

Two open houses coming up, Yay.

My son is always classy, Yay!

houses and heebeegeebees

First of all, please pray that my house will sell.  Someone is looking at it tonight and there are open houses next friday and the next.  It would relieve a ton of stress.

Second of all, I hate ants and earwigs are gross!

Yay for Vacation!

Anna Ruby Falls Hike

The other highlights were the hotel pool and Babyland General Hospital (where Cabbage Patch Babies are born).   At the "hospital" there were a TON of babies and my son repeated over and over, "bay-bee, bay-bee".

Our Mountain Home

We are going on a mini vacation this weekend.  Hawaii is on hold until the house sells.  This mini vacation is in no way luxurious or extravagant but I am excited.  It will be so nice to get away from real life and pretend to be someone else.

Once at Biltmore I pretended that it was my home and all the other people there came to see how wonderful my home was.  Husband was not so into the fantasy, but I had fun.

Is that weird?  Nevermind, I know it's odd.  I was entertained and that was the purpose anyway.

I miss you, daddy.

The time to close my dad's estate is coming near.  I'm just waiting on a check to clear the bank.  It is weird to think about, mainly because daddy's death has been very businessy for me.  I wonder what it'll be like when it is no longer businessy.  Not that it was all businessy, I did my share of wailing and gnashing of teeth.  I missed him a lot today.  I cried, which is unusual.  

I don't really believe that God allows people in heaven to hear our thoughts or voices but sometimes it feels better to say to my dad silently, " I miss you" or "I love you."  I don't have conversations or hear things back or anything weird like that.  I desperately want to tell him about my son and what he is like.  My dad was going to be the "favorite grandparent, without even trying."

I don't know if we know people or recognize them in heaven, buy I hope so.

I'll never be hungry again... well, maybe but at least I'm losing weight

I started weight watchers last week and lost 3.8 lbs.  I'm not really sure how that happened since every other diet I ever tried didn't work.  In the past I have jogged 1-3 mi. EVERY day but did not change my food intake and lost nothing.  Anyway, yay for weight watchers!

It's been 7 months since my dad died and I still think of him every day.  That sounds like something overly dramatic that Scarlet O'Hara type people say, but it's true.  I am a little Scarletish though.  Anyway, there are usually no tears involved or gnashing of teeth but sadness and a lack of understanding.  Not that I need to understand, that's just what I'm feeling.

I usually think of him while I'm rocking my son.  I suppose that is one of the only "quiet" times I have during the day.

My son is 13  months and talks alot!  Most of it cannot be understood.  I'm am only greatful for that when he is mad and is undoubtedly cussing.  My favorite baby language things now are when he hears a dog he says "woo, woo" in a deep voice.  And when something that was hidden is found he says, "ther ee ees", meaning "there it is".

OMG Ellie Mae, come look at this!

Ramblings and Ponderings

Still debating over new house.  We put a bid in on THE HOUSE and we're the back up offer, which means THE HOUSE belong to THE OTHER PEOPLE.  Still contemplating building but the build would be only a temporary house as that is not our ideal location.  I'm kinda thinking we should buy an ugly house in the ideal area and move to a better house in the ideal area later if we want.  That way our kids don't have to change schools.

I had mexican for lunch on an already upset stomach.  Not ideal but I wanted to have lunch with Mr. Crooked Toes and he had to have a quick lunch next door to the office.  So, emergency poop (term coined by sister) will continue.

Baby Toes is sleeping, you would think he was an angel. 

I've been noticing that I talk about my experience losing my father with others a lot lately.  Not specifically about the ordeal but how it affects me.  Like someone will be all "lately I've been realizing that I blah blah blah" or "I used to feel blah blah when blah happened" and then I am all, "yeah since my dad died I have realized that blahblahdeblahblah about myself too.  I'm sure they are all sick of hearing me say, "since my dad died..."  

Is that bad?

Do you think people are getting sick of it?

Does it matter?

Hmmm?

Rough Night

Sometimes there is a direct correlation between morning hair and what kind of night it was.

Yay for babies!

Today he turned the pages of his book one at a time, from front to back.  Clearly a genius.  Well, he did touch the dog and say "cat".  Maybe not a genius.

blahblahdeblahda cat

So I'm sitting in the floor with my baby and the cat is weaving around us and my son is mesmerized.  So like any other time that this happens I say, "cat...cat...cat...cat...cat..."  And today it happened, I HEARD "cat"  with a "ku" sound and a "t" sound.  YAY!  A real word not just  mamamamama or dadadada or bahbahlalaba.  Cat!  Then he pet the cat, like he had been doing...gently, oh so gently.  Then the damn thing bit him.  What the hell!  Broke the skin!  Now when the cat comes by I think we will practice....damn cat....damn cat....damn cat......

okay probably not...but poor little guy, finally said a frikkin word and his reward is being bit.  Cat bites hurt and then sting a little.  Oh well. Yay, he said cat!

In need of sleep and prozac

I desperately love my baby but OH my god he is WHINEY.

Sorry short post, baby just woke up......whining.

Hormone Shift

The state college that my dad worked at is having a reception thingy b/c they are naming the photo studio he designed after him. (He taught photography and pretty much developed their program.)  A pretty big company that he worked for is also naming their studio(that he designed) after him.  It is really cool that so many people thought so highly of him. He was great.  It makes me feel better to know other people miss him too.  Not b/c misery loves company but b/c it is kind of like sharing the burden of the pain.  

I started my period today and the intensity of my angry at God stuff is less.  Still there, just not so intense.

Husband and I are considering building a house instead of buying one.  The details aren't interesting but it is a big deal to me so ta da there it is.

:)

Superwoman

So today was a better day.  My dad is still dead and I am still sad, but it was a better day.  Probably because I was so busy.  My house is for sale but still messy all the time.  

I got a call at 11:15.

 "Mrs. Crookedtoes?  This is John from Realty Company, can you do a showing from 2-3 today?" 

 

"ummmmmm.......what time is it?"

"11:15"

"ummmmmmm........(internal dialogue: HOLY SHIT!)........ya, that would be okay"

I spent the next two hours running through the house cleaning like a crazy woman.  Thank God for high chairs and Big Bird.  I'm thinking about writing a letter to the people at Sesame Street and thanking them.

The house looked beautiful.  I was covered in sweat but earned the title of Superwoman for the day.

Then later we went to our small group.  I'm glad I went eventhough I didn't feel like talking about how wonderful God is.  I explained that I was mad at God and no one tried to convince me that I was evil or feeling something wrong.  It is nice the be listened to and not judged. Hmmm, is that what Christians are suppose to do?

I was almost gifted

My blog was almostgifted but my computer is smarter than me and I had to create a new account.   I figured my crooked toes is a prime example of how I was short from perfect from birth.

I hadn't blogged in a long time but it has become necessary to have an outlet.  My dad died just before Thanksgiving.  I am a stay-at-home mom to a perfectly gifted 8 1/2 month old boy.  Before he was born I decided that I would be a perfect mom.  As perfect as I could be.  Well being depressed, crying sporadically throughout the day, and being angry at God are not on the perfect mom's to-do list.  I know I'm not a bad mom and that this is only temporary.  

My dad is gone, my baby doesn't sleep good....both of these things can make a person crazy.  When I was on my way to my dad's house and I knew he was dead (I didn't officially know, but I knew) I prayed that God would be my comfort in this time, my only comfort.  Well I don't feel very comforted.  

I understand atheism now.  To have crappy stuff happen just because crappy stuff happens is one thing.  To have crappy stuff happen, ask God for help, and hear nothing from Him, is horrible.  I still believe in God, I'm just mad at him.  My husband says that He is a big God and he can handle it. 

I don't think I can though.